My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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