You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
