should my penis look like a turkey
I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
