Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
My penis needs a shock collar
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
