I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
He passed out mid-signature
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
