i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
