I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
No, when he said that he wished he had my eyebrows, THATS when I knew he was gay.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
