so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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