So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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