I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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