U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
worst night to have a conscience
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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