i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
