My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
You kissed my hand and then put a Taco in it. Why WOUDNT I leave my husband?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
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