I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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