My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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