im having a threesome with these popsicles
Even the bartender felt bad for me
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
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we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
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I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
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