Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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