I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
