So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
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