The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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