I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
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