I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
