I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
