her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
He's sitting in his room on Facebook with nothing but a pillow covering his crotch. I can't help you at the moment.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
