Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Randomize
