I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
How does one acquire holy water?
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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