its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Randomize
