Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
