My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
