bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
she peed on how many people?
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I SMOKED SO MUCH I SKIPPED A DAY.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
