Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
