On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
Well THAT'S the last time I buy beer and baby wipes in the same Walmart run ... just wanted to shout I USE THEM TO REMOVE MY MAKEUP, YOU ASSHOLES
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
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