I can't watch pbs sober anymore
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Randomize
