Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
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