I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
