My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Randomize
