Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
