Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Randomize
