saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
