I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
what do people who dont have blackberrys do while they poop?
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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