Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
