drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
you made out with another girl for some wings
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
