i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
