sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
