I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Randomize
