I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
well I can't set my house on fire every night
I'm eating all of the evidence.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
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