just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
