Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
People with herpes should wear stickers.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
