I think scott just propositioned me for sex
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
No. Cease was criminally insane from birthday shots, and not a lot of women want to go home from the bar with a guy who wants to "snuggle but keep it strictly professional".
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
