I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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