I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
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