i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
