We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
