if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
