I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Bad breakup?
He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Randomize
