Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
