A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
organizing the empties. That sober.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
