Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
Randomize
