Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
